Boris Johnson Abandoned Staged Glastonbury Bakery Visit

Boris Johnson’s “Presidential” election campaign and Voyage of Culinary Discovery has once again collided with angry members of the British public. Yesterday it was flood victims in Yorkshire; today, anti-Tory protesters in Glastonbury, the West Country town best-known for the international festival of the same name in Somerset.

There, Johnson had been scheduled to visit the curiously named Burns the Bread Bakery but, according to multiple reports, was “accused of running scared of protests” from Extinction Rebellion activists and members of the public furious with his party’s public service-gutting austerity policies. One masked protestor wore a t-shirt bearing the slogan “TORY POLICY KILLS.”

Johnson swiftly abandoned the visit, claiming the protesters represented a security threat, and instead elected to visit a branch of the same bakery in the town of Wells.

In a staged appearance, Johnson served sausage rolls and pasties to customers and, according to the Mirror, claimed of the protesters in Glastonbury: “There were lots of crusties there — more crusty than your loaves.” This is a favoured pejorative used by Johnson for environmentalists; perhaps a shortened version of “trusty crusty”, itself an abbreviation of trustafarian (a wealthy young person who adopts an alternative lifestyle incorporating elements from non-Western cultures.) In other words, the sort of person Johnson imagines eating quinoa in the crowds of Glastonbury festival.

In other news, and contrary to some reports last week, Johnson will stand in Uxbridge, not Melton, the home of pork pies. As well as Labour’s Ali Milani, Johnson will face competition from Lord Buckethead, Count Binface, Yace “Interplanetary Time Lord” Yogenstein, and Bobby ‘Elmo’ Smith.