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Conservative MP, keen baker, and nominative determinist James Brokenshire has caused a stir online after an interview with the Sunday Times and a weird Daily Mail kitchen vanity profile revealed that he has four (4) ovens at his south east London home. The interview describes the arrangement as a practical extravagance: “The only extravagance is typically practical: two double-ovens and two dishwashers.” “I hate it when, come Christmas, there’s not enough room in the oven,” Cathy [Brokenshire, wife of James Brokenshire] says.
Not since the U.K. press dubbed Ed Miliband Ed ‘Two Kitchens’ Miliband for having two kitchens in his home has a culinary arrangement come in for such online scrutiny. The plausible explanation for both cases is the process necessary for keeping a household kosher — where it is possible, separate ovens, dishwashers, and other appliances are advised.
Brokenshire’s role at the heart of fixing Britain’s housing crisis can’t have helped the initial response. The MP leaned into the clamour earlier this afternoon with a pretty strong tweet and, it must be said, a half-decent looking Victoria sponge, that is four years old, but made the fatal mistake of using a #twoovens hashtag, only fuelling the responses. Nonetheless, a source in the Daily Mirror report sought to clarify “that he did not have four ovens, simply ‘two, normal double ovens.’”
Amazing what you can rustle up! Maybe some more hot potatoes next! #twoovens pic.twitter.com/gU0vrbuaV2
— James Brokenshire (@JBrokenshire) May 14, 2019
Here, now, a selection of the finest ripostes to the MP with four ovens.
From important details...
A source close to Mr Brokenshire insisted he did not have four ovens, simply “two, normal double ovens.”https://t.co/tVqAvdiWOh
— Dan Bloom (@danbloom1) May 14, 2019
...and other important details...
IT WAS AN OLD PHOTO! THE CAKE WAS BAKED IN JULY 2015! HE'S HAD FOUR OVENS FOR AT LEAST FOUR YEARS https://t.co/NaRnezAoul
— Alex Partridge (@alexpartridge87) May 14, 2019
...to excellent puns...
Four more burning injustices Theresa May has failed to put out in modern Britain.https://t.co/3Cr47VNXOM
— David Lammy (@DavidLammy) May 14, 2019
...and fascinating speculation.
How do we know the cupboards above the four ovens aren't also hidden ovens
— Freddie Whittaker (@FCDWhittaker) May 14, 2019
From stating the obvious...
It takes at most one oven to bake a Victoria sponge.
— Mikey Smith (@mikeysmith) May 14, 2019
...to philosophical musings...
Four ovens is a place on earth
— Joey D'Urso (@josephmdurso) May 14, 2019
...and straightforward mathematics...
#twoovens + #twoovens = #fourovens
— etymologic (@etymologic) May 14, 2019
...to political point-scoring...
"This means there are four more ovens in Mr Brokenshire's kitchen than there were affordable rent homes built in his local area." https://t.co/QlpG0CUv8T
— Labour Press Team (@labourpress) May 14, 2019
...and compelling conspiracy theories...
How do we know the cupboards above the four ovens aren't also hidden ovens
— Freddie Whittaker (@FCDWhittaker) May 14, 2019
...to predictably bad takes...
I know we’re all supposed to be slagging him off but, when I’m cooking the big family Christmas lunch for 14, I would bloody love to have four ovens.
— Julia Hartley-Brewer (@JuliaHB1) May 14, 2019
Tory housing minister roasted for having four ovens in extravagant kitchen https://t.co/G4CKGoXiHV
...and a pitch.
Four ovens though!
— MiMi Aye (@meemalee) May 14, 2019
Maybe he’ll let me do a photoshoot in his kitchen as one of his (disloyal) constituents.
From alternative career paths...
— Tom Hopkins (@tommo_hopkins) May 14, 2019
...and other curious questions...
It's bothering me more than it ought to that the clocks on two of James Brokenshire's four ovens don't tell the same time https://t.co/X48wrjV4UG
— Claire Phipps (@Claire_Phipps) May 14, 2019
...to, finally, SamuelThomas92.
James Brokenshire: one oven
— Samuel Thomas (@SamuelThomas92) May 14, 2019
James Wokenshire: two ovens
James Bespokenshire: four ovens
More soon.